those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
