i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
