she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
