her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
