Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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