i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
