he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
