it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
love makes seman taste better
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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