Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
