in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Hippo gnu deer
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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