the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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