now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
In other news, I just burned my penis
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm too high and old for this...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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