got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
