why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
why didn't you poke me back
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
