in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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