my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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