I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
