I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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