my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
