yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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