I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
