Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
