he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
