Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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