I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
