rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
