you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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