counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
