I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
