So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
