Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
