the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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