How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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