Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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