hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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