i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
