I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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