I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
