i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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