im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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