If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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