"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We have started to decorate penises.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
