What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
