i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
