We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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