Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
