i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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