I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
