I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
