If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
