omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
