So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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