between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
