I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Randomize
