I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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