She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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