I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
