She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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