I don't usually arrange sex via text message
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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