He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
