A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
