he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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