I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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